Building Sexual Intimacy During a Social Pandemic & Finding Your Spoon

My intention is to share that you can build sexual attraction during a pandemic.

The ability to adapt is one of our greatest tools as humans. We can’t find a fork, so we use a spoon. Finding the time to read books can get difficult as we get older, so we switch to listening to audio books. We lack the physical intimacy we crave from a partner, so we turn to masturbation.

We adapt. We change. We find different ways to get past current obstacles to satisfy our daily needs that in part give us the happiness or fulfillment we desire. And we do this each day and every hour of our waking hours regardless of whether we are aware of our actions or not. Dating whether you are playing the field or in a relationship is no different.

Intimate relationships satisfy our need to feel desired and our need to desire another. Not only that, dating gives us an opportunity to know someone and ourselves on a deeper level than we normally feel comfortable expressing in our day to day life. I see you and you see me. Physical. Emotional. Mental.

But what happens when we can no longer go on dates in person? What happens when we cannot see our special someone or long distance becomes somehow even more long distance. Dating during quarantine can easily become us looking around in the kitchen for a fork that we cannot seem to find.

We need to adapt with the times. It’s hard to say when lock down will officially be over, and maybe we don’t have to wait until this is all over to keep living our lives. In the meantime, I would love to give you some tools that work for building sexual attraction and intimacy. Building sexual attraction during quarantine isn’t only possible; it’s fun!

Hey, when you can’t find a fork, grab a spoon.

Note: The bulk of these thoughts assume you have already garnered some level of interest from that spicy someone either because you matched with them on a dating app, you are reaching out to someone that you’ve already met, or you have some sort of relationship with them. I will be writing a piece later this week on how to get more dates and build an abundance mindset around dating. If that interests you, be sure to signup for the newsletter.

Starting to Build Sexual Attraction with Someone New

First, you’ll need to build rapport and set the tone. Attraction is built through a combination of showing interest while growing intrigue. If all you do is ask question after question about who they are, it’ll easily turn into an interview. You’ll be bored. They’ll be bored. And that is by definition “no fun”. And, while you are at it, forget about trying to DTR (Define The Relationship.) Way too soon for that.

Instead I want you to think of these words whenever you reach out to someone: How Can I Elicit a Positive Emotional Response.

I personally like being a bit cheeky and overtly flirty right off the back. Teasing is much more fun when there is some rapport built up, and I want you to get to that place with that sexy someone. (Teasing too early on comes across as either being mean or that you are insecure. Don’t worry though, we’ll get back to teasing later down the article.)

I always try and remember this mindset while I’m flirting with someone:

  1. They are an adult and so am I.
  2. They have shown interest. I want to show interest back.
  3. People enjoy being flirted with.
  4. Yes, I am open to making friends, but I want to be a little more saucy with the women I’m interested to kiss some day.

Need some help with flirting? Flirting is a game. It’s a game where both people are being overtly vague about their interest in the other while also showing interest. The more you can dance around the point and laugh about it as a team, the more flirty a conversation is. It’s quite fun.

Think more along the lines of becoming a thoughtful comedian. You are funny, and you still care about the person. Try to make the other person laugh in addition to showing through actions and your words that you would like to get to know them more.

Dating is playful. Dating is fun. And dating is respectful. And you are about to be a breath of fresh air during their day. Leave the heavier and deeper stuff for later on when you can both connect in person or over the phone. The deeper stuff will come up naturally as life happens. Instead, show them that you aren’t afraid to have a good time. And, hey, while you are at it, why not have a good time.

Note: You will not always be successful with everyone you flirt with. Not everyone will be interested in you even if they showed some interest initially. And that’s okay. If someone is fickle about their interest move on and find someone else that is. The fastest way to kill your confidence is to put effort into people who don’t return their affection.

Guiding Attraction to Another Level

I’m assuming at this point, you will have either set up a phone call, been texting for a while now, have a some sort of 2020-acceptable date on the schedule, or you are already dating.

If not, that is okay. Patience is your friend. Desire is built through absence and presence. Everyone has their own pace, and if you let them come to you at their pace/speed, you will find that you have a lot more fun.

Speaking of fun, once you make it to this step, it is finally time to tease. Teasing is fun. Hell, teasing is a lot of fun. A good sign that someone is ready to be teased is when the other person feels safe and comfortable around you (or texting you). Oh, and when you first start teasing someone, be sure to make it endearing and not at their expense.

If there is one thing I hate in dating culture it’s “negging”. If you haven’t heard of negging, look it up and don’t do it. If you have, maybe you should strongly consider not doing this. Instead, tease. Teasing is fun because it allows both people to be on equal playing grounds.

Once again, I want you to remember to create a fun and positive emotional experience for the other person. Dating is about giving to another person, not taking. In an ideal scenario, both people are giving and receiving.

While you tease them (and they will most likely tease you back) get to know them by the way they laugh, what makes them smile, and what topics they can’t stop talking about. Information about someone is mostly useless in connecting; sharing emotional and fun moments is.

Trust me when I say that this is a much better way of getting to know someone than asking about their past. In addition this will help you stay present in the moment rather than thinking about tactics. Of course, questions will come up, but let that happen naturally.

Dating is about having fun. (There is that fun word again. Hmmmmm….There might be something there.) Dating is undoubtedly also a game, but it is not a game of chess. It’s more of a game of poker. Stop trying to figure out the next 10 moves you will do and start being present to the person you are connecting with in the moment. Connection is good. Connection is your friend.

Let’s take this dating experience to the extra spicy zone

Okay, teasing is going well. You are getting to know the other person, and they are getting to know you too. Everyone is having a fun time as well as feeling respected. Good. If you have made it this far you should be quite happy with yourself. You are probably having a really good time.

This would normally be the time during a date (prior to lock down) that I would kiss someone. But this is probably not possible (and I’m guessing not CDC recommended) given our global circumstances.

I want to teach you how you can “kiss” someone over the phone or text. Or at least elicit the same emotional response.

We are going to escalate the fun. We are going to take the flirting to a whole different level. We are going to get vulnerable with our actions and allow for opportunity or rejection to happen.

Here are five tested and true methods for building sexual intimacy: (1 being the safest and 5 being the boldest. #chooseyourownadventure)

  1. Bring up the idea to play a sexy game of “Never Have I Ever”
  2. Risk it for the biscuit and suggest a game of “Truth or Dare”
  3. Tell them I wish I was there so I could kiss them
  4. Introduce some light sexting
  5. Ask them if they’d be interested in a sexual fantasy story texted/told to them and make them the focal point of the story (don’t worry, you are the dashing individual that plays a supporting role)

Note: You are putting yourself out there, and you could be rejected. That’s part of the dating game.

This is very important. Once you introduce any of those ideas, I want you to stop and really pay attention to the response you get from the other person. Any response less than excited or overtly flirty means you aren’t quite at that point in your dating dynamic. And, that is okay.

If they are less than excited with their response, readjust back to where you were before and continue to have fun. They will bring it up when they are ready. You’ve just placed the idea in their mind and you are being respectful of where they are in relationship to you.

If they disappear, they were never really interested in doing anything with you. Most likely they were probably bored. Don’t take it personally.

If it is excited, well then, congratulations and have some fun. 😉

Remember to have fun, stay safe, respect other people’s privacy (and photos if they share), and to communicate.

Does this sound a bit scary?

Good. Putting yourself out there is always a bit scary for all of us. I promise you that it is worth the risk.

Here is some things I would like you to remember:

If you start to feel a bit scared to grow sexual intimacy: being seduced and getting seduced is not only fun but incredibly exciting for both people. Also, you are not in it alone. There is another person working on this with you.

If you are worried about offending people: that could happen. If you are respectful and are listen to what the other person tells you they are comfortable this probably won’t happen.

If you think you might fuck it up: you will. I have fucked it up more times than not. My hopes is that some of this will help you fuck up just a little bit less. You’ll get better at this. Trust me.

And some friendly advice from the many women I’ve talked to about this: please don’t send unsolicited dick picks. If they want them, they will ask for them.

Much love, as always,
Austin

Austin Hunt

Meet the Author:
Austin Hunt

Austin is the lead writer and creator of Points of Connection. He's been studying dating, relationships, and how to build authentic intimacy for over 9 years now. You can find him sipping away at a cup of coffee at a local shop making friends with the stranger next to him.