I’m Not Perfect and That Sucks

I’m on overachiever. Maybe you are too. But, no matter how hard I push, it’s hard for me to feel as if I have ever reached the full potential of what I am striving to be. I have acne. I mess up on big things in life. I don’t succeed at most things I set out to accomplish in the time frame I give myself. I sometimes second guess myself when I shouldn’t.

I’m not perfect, and, to be honest, that sucks.

The Pursuit of Greatest might not be the pursuit of Perfection.

For a long time, most of my life, I used to chase after success and accomplishments. Chasing after success is, in my opinion, a positive attribute. But, as with anything, it depends upon the reasoning behind any action that dictates whether or not it is a positive or negative choice.

For me, it was a negative choice. I wanted success and accomplishments because for a long time I believed that would equate to receiving love.

For my Enneagram friends out there, I’m a Type 3w2 (Type 3 Wing 2), or, the fancy name, the Enchanter type. You can learn more about that type here. Also, you can take a personal test and figure out your Enneagram type here. It’s Free!

I believe words are a great way to describe the world around us and the experience of being human. So, in that spirit, I would welcome you to listen to Sleeping At Last’s song “Three”:

Sleeping At Last – “Three”

Let me be a bit vulnerable with you.

Every time I listen to this song, I cry. I cry because, for me, this is what it feels like to be myself when I don’t feel like I am receiving love. I cry because sometimes I don’t feel like I deserve love and respect. I cry because all the trophies and accolades in the world never fill a void of self-worthlessness. I cry because I am human, and sometimes that is a lot to bare.

The further I fall into these moments of despair, the more I tend to push into outperforming my peers. This has allowed me to achieve some great success in parts of my life. But, regardless of all the success, I come to one eventual conclusion: I am not perfect.

I gave up my pursuit of perfection on January 3rd, 2019.

I have gone through a lot in my life. Probably most than some, definitely less than others. Each pain through adulthood and childhood has left its scars. Some I healed from relatively quickly while others are ingrained into my soul. Divorced parents. Absentee father figure. Being bullied in school. Deep depression for 8 years. Being cheated on. Losing a child. All of these are pains. Pains I have learned to live with and adapt to.

I don’t know exactly, but I think it was the combination of some of the above and some other crap, but the sad truth is I stopped loving myself for a long time. I wasn’t perfect. I fucked up. Sometimes I fucked up bad. I chose the path of self-hatred rather than self-compassion.

If we do not give ourselves the permission to fail, how can we ever truly be happy?

I spent 6 months road tripping from Mid 2018 to Beginning of 2019. I quit my job. I left my attachments in Seattle. I left my responsibilities and I looked inwards towards my demons. What was the reason? I had lost too much, and I was tired of feeling like I was never winning. Not winning in the sense of achievement, winning in the sense of fulfillment.

I’ve been journaling for many years, and, one night when I was crying very hard over how much the world had wronged me, I read on line that I had wrote to myself, “Austin. Why the fuck have you not started acting? Do it all ready. Fuck. No wonder you aren’t happy.”

That’s line for line. I hated myself. I truly did. I hated myself because I had given up.

Something about reading that in my despair pulled me out from the cycle of self-abuse, and I realized that I needed to reconnect with my true self, not the mask of the person I put out to the world. About 8 months later, on January 3rd, 2019, I woke up happy for the first time. And, I am proud to say, every day since, I have woken up happy.

I’m Not Perfect and That’s a Good Thing.

Be Grateful for the Person you are, and relentlessly chase that which fills your heart with joy.

Perfectionism is a trap. For me, it was the constant pursuit of proving to the world that I was worth it. And, you know where it got me? It got me shit-all.

Instead of being hard on yourself for not being where you are, be grateful for the blessing you have in your life already. Be grateful that you are here. Be grateful that you are constantly working to improve upon yourself. And, more importantly, be grateful that you aren’t perfect.

Perfect is boring. Perfect is not human.

And, my friend, you are not perfect. I am not perfect.

We are human.

Austin Hunt

Meet the Author:
Austin Hunt

Austin is the lead writer and creator of Points of Connection. He's been studying dating, relationships, and how to build authentic intimacy for over 9 years now. You can find him sipping away at a cup of coffee at a local shop making friends with the stranger next to him.